Riding the tide

I have past the 12 mth anniversary of my injury. During that time,I have been hospitalised for 13 days, been operated on (double hernia repair), need crutches to walk, cannot drive a car, cannot sit at the movies, cannot travel any distance in comfort, cannot be the active mother to two young children, cannot physically help anyone!!! I have had 3 MRI's, 2 CT scans, an arthrogram, 2 xrays, mulitple Drs poking and prodding, lost my job, lost insurance coverage, lost friends, lost freedom! Tomorrow I shall have a third ultrasound on area that has not been looked at before. It is the area that I intially complained of pain from..the point of origin??? I am hopeful (yet again !) of some answers that will give me some relief. But I am hesitant to be hopeful as the power of disappointment is looming. My fear of test results not producing results is like a wave crashing over me. I sit in my studio and paint. I sit in my studio and watch the world go by...like I am not part of it.. I must find some more strength and courage from somewhere!!!!! I cannot stay this way, I cannot!